The doctor said, “She can’t be alone”!

An elderly close friend of my family, Amelia had fallen off her bed during her sleep, she was later brought to the doctor to make sure all was well. Amelia was about 85. The doctor found her fine but recommended that she should not stay alone. The children freaked out and without exploring all possible options, they decided to put her in a nursing home. From what one could call a trivial accident, Amelia went straight from the Doctor’s office to the nursing home, without stopping at her home to say bye to her friend or neighbor or attending to some personal stuff.

Now, this was a fancy nursing home located in a remote area, in a kind of manor and about 30 miles from her home. By fancy, I mean expensive!

The children were excited to break the news to her saying that “we have found a nice place for you with loving people, who will provide you with anything you need…”

Amelia’s children said later that they wanted her to be in a new environment, so that she would quickly forget everything she knew before, to adapt to her new situation.

Amelia was upset and overwhelmed by the circumstances. She did not really adapt to the new environment; instead, she kept asking when she could go back home. In fact, her children made false promises that she would return as soon as she was better. They had already put her house up for sale and brought her some souvenir photos.  After a while, she realized that she would never return home.  She was so sad. 

Before her accident, this lady was independent, lucid and had organized her life around her church, her friends. With her church, she contributed to the community by helping the needy through a charity. Now, she finds herself in this posh retirement home, doing nothing all day, doped up with medication to calm her anxiety and stress. Amelia’s health quickly began to decline and within two years she was gone.

Life changes are natural, inevitable, and part of our lives. It’s easy and exciting when the change is having a baby, moving to a new job opportunity. However, there comes a time when life change happen in our bodies. It becomes almost impossible to take care of ourselves. Our bodies slowly deteriorate, and we can no longer do the things we used to do on our own. This stage of life can be scary, worrisome, and stressful, as it comes with a life adjustment. Old age has struck. 

What’s worse is that those who are supposed to support and reassure the older person are as scared as they are, leading them to make unwise decisions.

Some older people are welcomed in their children’s homes, while others remain at home with ongoing assistance to meet their needs. There is a great deal of value in remaining in the home environment for as long as possible. Today, however, the majority of seniors are being directed to nursing homes or assisted living facilities for those who can afford it and are still semi-independent. This transition can be discouraging and difficult, as one sees one’s decline looming on the horizon. In addition, most of the time, the elderly person has lost their spouse, which leads to all sorts of issues including loneliness. Studies in the United States show that the suicide rate among the elderly is 50% higher than the national average. In addition, older people do not like to go to a psychologist for fear of stigma. 

In light of the above, emotional preparation is needed to facilitate a smooth transition and adjustment to their new life so that they can continue to bear fruit in old age and live with dignity while flourishing in this golden age.

My friend Amelia’s story saddened me greatly and led me to ask myself the following questions:

• How can we better care for our parents who have worked hard to raise us through difficult times and have brought us to where we are today?  
• What can we do to ensure that an elderly parent is involved in decisions about their future?

I don’t want to be judgmental because, in general, we all love our parents, so we make decisions that we think are in their best interest. And as human beings, we can sometimes make mistakes, especially if we don’t take the time to gather information and put all the options on the table to make an informed decision.

As the saying goes, it’s always easier said than done. However, when possible, I advise trying not to give in to the pressure and stress of the situation. This is where BEST Life Coaching can be of great help. It is always tempting to take the easy way out without measuring the emotional toll on the person. The emotional consequences of such a decision can be devastating.

If you or your loved one are considering a transition to a nursing home or Assisted living facility (ALF), BEST Life Coaching can help you manage the emotional distress that may result from this transition. 

Please contact us for a free session.